Memories, Dreams, Reflections

I dreamed of going to West Point. I
had the grades, the recommendations,
the guidance counselor helped me with
the paperwork, but in the end I decided no.
I dreamed of being a doctor, spent sunny
afternoons in college chemistry labs, got 
the degree, took the MCAT, but in the end
I decided no. I never dreamed of attending
seminary because that’s what my father did
but I ended up there and walked out of those
marbled walls a ‘master of divinity’ (dear god).
I walked away from that dream ten years ago;
in the end the wine and women didn’t get me
but the doubt did. In order to put food on our
table I started writing and that table is where
I sit every morning, without fail, trying to wake.
 

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26 Comments

  1. anita mathias on May 9, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    You are a beautiful writer, John Blase!

    • thebeautifuldue on May 9, 2013 at 4:44 pm

      Anita, in a world where there are so many things to read thanks for taking the time to stop by here.

  2. Lorilorisprayercloset on May 9, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    How the tide can turn in life…..And God is always dipping His hand in the water.

    • thebeautifuldue on May 9, 2013 at 4:45 pm

      Lori, it seems like the trick is to ride the current. Thanks!

  3. pourcettetemps on May 9, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    John, we are thankful you share your writing with us.

  4. Kiki Malone on May 9, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Do you have Christian Wiman’s new title MY BRIGHT ABYSS – primarily essays peppered with poetry – in your hands? I’ve actually been peeking in on your writings, via Seth Haines, for quite sometime, and reading the opening pages of Wiman yesterday put you and Seth both in mind. This post confirms my suspicions.

    Here: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/03/books/my-bright-abyss-a-memoir-by-christian-wiman.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

    • thebeautifuldue on May 9, 2013 at 4:49 pm

      Kiki, I don’t, at least not yet. I’ve read several reviews though, all of them sent to me by friends who said ‘you oughta read this book.’ I’ve thought ‘if one more person recommends this book to me I’ll have to get it.’ Well, you just tipped the scales. Thanks.

  5. Ashleigh Baker on May 9, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    “and that table is where
    I sit every morning, without fail, trying to wake.”

    That sentence speaks so many volumes. This is beautifully stirring.

    • thebeautifuldue on May 9, 2013 at 4:50 pm

      Thanks, Ashleigh. Yes, in that one sentence dwells more than you can know.

  6. Patrick Watters on May 9, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Yep, me too, thanks for sharing your journey.
    http://pnpontheroad.blogspot.com

    • Patrick Watters on May 9, 2013 at 5:24 pm

      BTW, I’ve found (at 60+) what I consider my true “identity”, it’s taken a while to say the least and probably is still a “work in progress”. The core for me I’ve found in three poems (my own holy triad of prose by others), “I stand by the door”, “House by the Side of the Road”, and lastly “Others May You Cannot”. Check them out sometime if you’ve not already, sweet surrender. da Moose }:-)

      • thebeautifuldue on May 10, 2013 at 1:55 am

        Patrick, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to write.

  7. Shannon on May 9, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    So moving…

    “I… walked out of those marbled walls a ‘master of divinity’ (dear god)…. in the end the wine and women didn’t get me, but the doubt did.”

    As a seminarian working toward an M.Div., it seems entirely ironic that those words moved me so deeply, but they did. I feel like I too know that journey, though I’ve not yet fully lived it.

    • thebeautifuldue on May 10, 2013 at 1:58 am

      Shannon, thank you for writing what you did…I understand.

  8. Diana Trautwein on May 9, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    I think maybe this is what ‘new creation’ is all about – we are continually being re-imagined. Some of it is God’s imagining in us, some of it is our own. But then, I tend to believe that our imaginations are at the top of the list of good imago dei gifts. I think maybe you might believe that, too. Very sweet (strange word choice, but somehow fitting to me) to see a few more layers in your own creation process. So very glad all those layers ended with you at that table, writing.

    • patriciaspreng on May 10, 2013 at 1:51 am

      Hi Diana… thanks for pointing the way to John’s place of respite.

    • thebeautifuldue on May 10, 2013 at 2:00 am

      Diana, I agree with you. And I’m fond of the word ‘sweet’ so thanks for that too.

  9. tonia on May 10, 2013 at 12:42 am

    ah yes…me too. not the mDiv part, but the writing and the doubt part. yes. thank you.

    • thebeautifuldue on May 10, 2013 at 2:01 am

      Tonia, it always means something when someone says ‘me too.’ Thanks for that.

  10. patriciaspreng on May 10, 2013 at 1:48 am

    A couple things came to mind as I read…. “therefore there is no condemnation…” for the choices, decisions, mistakes, paths we taken. He uses all of it… right?… somehow I believe he is still developing the whole awakening in us… I’m personally benefitting from you trying to be fully present at the table waiting, watching, praying for it. Maybe we’ll never see it in its entirety, until…. but I’m sure glad you are there/here and sharing the banquet with us, John. Hope that doesn’t sound too corny.

    • thebeautifuldue on May 10, 2013 at 2:03 am

      Patricia, not corny at all. And yes, God uses all of it, every bit, which may very well be the greatest miracle of them all. Thank you.

  11. Susan Smith on May 10, 2013 at 5:25 am

    I am blessed by your call to the table and grateful that God planted that gift seed in you. Your heart is speaking to my heart through that gift. Praise Him!

    • thebeautifuldue on May 10, 2013 at 11:33 am

      Thanks so much, Susan. Have a wonderful, wonderful day!

  12. dukeslee on May 10, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    I’m glad you need food. Because we need your writing.

  13. paula jones on May 13, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    My life story, elegantly and simply told in so few words! In choosing to absolve yourself of any formal institutional title, you are ministering to multitudes of broken people. Thank you.

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