An eight-year-old girl discovered the lost scroll
last month in a ravine behind her stucco house.
Her spiritual but not religious parents took it to
the tattooed priest in town who took it to the city
seminary so expert theologians could dissect it.
Everything about the scroll itself rings authentic.
But the story revealed inside? Well, it’s a stunner.
The scroll indicates Jesus didn’t ascend back to
heaven full-time after the resurrection and all that
but rather decided to split a span of time between
there and a spot here. With a little help from his
friends he acquired a place by the shore where he
could listen to the gulls and smell the sea and watch
the endless water as it swallowed the setting sun.
Like a snowbird, Jesus flew back to heaven in winter.
The scroll is Jesus’ daily journal—intimate scrawls
about everything from his memories of Joseph to
a heartbreaking running theme of mercy for Judas to
a number of charcoal sketches of the moon’s phases
plus, as best they can tell, what look like song lyrics.
For content reasons (and others) the expert theologians
have stamped the scroll apocryphal, and moved on.
Somehow, a few bootleg copies have wandered from
the seminary, but they’re really not worried about that.